Here I re-post one of my favorite rants for your reading pleasure. I received many compliments on this one, and it's partner, A Beginners Guide to Eating Pussy. It too will be re-posted some time soon in honor of sex month. Can't all be downers after all.
And if you're enjoying my rants, you may want to check out chowyunsmut's LJ for a dose of her brand of hilarity. And it's all for a good cause. Yay karma!
So here it is again, an oldie but a goody...

The Most Annoying Things Guys Have Told Me Girls Do During Oral:

1)The Piston.
For all the bitching girls do about guys focusing on the "magic button" to the exclusion of all the other bits we are equipped with down there, some seem to be unable to put their honey where their mouth is.
Listen up! It's not a ford engine ladies! If in and out was all he wanted he'd stick his dick in an accommodating piece of fruit. Boys, like girls, enjoy a little build up. If the head of the penis is like the clit (and it is, same tissue makes both during fetal development) then you can equate the rest of a man's parts to your own for the purposes of understanding what goes on down there. I have yet to meet a guy who doesn't like his balls (think labia) paid attention to.
If you're feeling ambidextrous, keeping a firm but gentle grip on them or some other finger play while doing other things generally produces an entertaining reaction. Ever hear of a teabag? They like that too. I know they're fuzzy, but get over it so are you. And some boys kindly shave them for your comfort and pleasure.
But don't ignore the shaft. It's not simply there to hang Kwanza ornaments off of. It's chock full of nerve endings too, and varied pressure from your hand, lips or teeth (if they like that sort of thing) puts a smile on his face. Use your mouth, your hands, your tits, your hair (yes your hair, it tickles and feels nice) vary the pressure, vary the speed. Basically do everything to them you'd like them to do to you and you'll be ok. But like women, when a man gets close, stop being creative and just hold that pace steady. Cuz if you think it's annoying to have your impending orgasm interrupted, keep in mind it's actually painful for them and let them finish at the pace they are obviously enjoying.

2) What About *My* G-Spot?
Men have a g-spot. No really, they do. It's called a prostate. Problem is it's only really accessible if you stick a finger in their pooper. Our culture is very ass shy. Not all women are willing to stick a finger in someone's bum and many, many men are afraid to let the ones that are willing try. It has to do partly with the same ick and ouch factors that we have, but also with a deeply embedded cultural taboo having to do with men not being allowed to like having things in their butt. So, proceed with caution. ASK FIRST. They are just as touchy about letting someone in their back door as you are about yours so be polite and indicate your intentions before trying it.
Also, trim your damn nails!
The tissue of the anus is much more delicate than that of the vagina so if you think long nails are a bitch in your pussy you don't even wanna know how it feels in the pooper. And if your lover wants you to stimulate the prostate while you dive, provided you don't have some issue with it beyond the poo thing, find a rubber glove if you're grossed out and do it. Why? Because it elicits almost the same reaction as g-spot stimulation in women and for those men who enjoy it it's like dialing the orgasm up a few notches. Like yours, their g-spot is in and up (towards the balls). However! Don't just go pokin' your finger in there willy nilly, you have to get past two rings of sphincter muscle first so go gently and use plenty of LUBE!

3) I SAID Harder, Harder, Faster!
I can't stress this enough. Pay. Attention.
Guys have a greater tendency to dirty talk than women. Don't ask me why, but a surprising number of men engage in it. However, there is a difference between dirty talk and directions and since guys also tend to be more comfortable with telling their partners how they like it than girls do, you must learn the difference, and ask for clarification if you're not sure. "I like it hard" might be part of his little scenario, or he might literally mean he wants you to employ your GI Joe Kung Fu Grip on his wang.
And boys, if you don't tell her what's up it's your own fault if she decides your babbling is just your own personal porno soundtrack and tunes you out. Keep in mind as well that silence is not golden in this case. To quote the wisdom of Mizs Salt and Peppa, "If you don't yell brutha how can I tell?" You don't need words to get your point across if she's paying attention.

4) Puking Is Not The New Black
Ah, the infamous deep throat.
Lemme break that down for you ladies. Beyond the visual stimulation provided by the sight of their cock being swallowed by some hottie, the muscles at the back of the throat contract on the head of their dick and feels rilly rilly nice. Now, everyone has a gag reflex. Some more sensitive than others. Everyone can also desensitize their gag reflex through practice. But this practice should probably happen in your kitchen with a handy vegetable or stunt cock made of latex or plastic rather than a living subject. Why? Your gag reflex is what makes you puke. That's only sexy for a select group of fetishists, not the average male.

5) Not Goal Oriented
Some guys, like some girls, just don't get off during oral. And ladies, it's not your fault. The penis also comes in varying degrees of sensitivity and the brains behind it has various things it thinks is stimulating. Giving yourself lock jaw trying to get a guy off that doesn't get off during oral won't get either of you anywhere. He'll stop feeling it as his nerves become over stimulated, you won't be able to close your mouth for a few hours, and both of you will be displeased. It's no fun for anybody. However! Not going down just because he's one of those guys is rude. Unless he's one of those guys who doesn't even like oral it still feels good so chalk it up as foreplay and get over it. Now, if he doesn't tell you he's one of those and lets you get a cramp in your neck trying for three hours to get him there that's also rude and at that point he deserves whatever hollerin' is coming his way.

6) The Porno Method
Guys watch a lot of porn. Girls sometimes try to imitate said porn to better please their men. By imitate I mean attempt to duplicate the way the women in pornos behave. Men, pat your ladies on the back for trying. Ladies, if your man likes that sort of thing then skip this section. Otherwise please stop the mugging and moaning. Please! Giving them big eyes while melodramatically tonguing their balls with your mouth wide open and moaning like you've been gagged and hooked up to a TENS unit is not sexy. Neither is writhing around their crotch area while mechanically attempting to joust with your own uvula. And stop making that face. You know which one I mean. THAT face. That's not an O face. I don't know what that is but stop it right now. If you know you make that face and your boyfriend never says anything but you can't quite interpret the look he gives you when you make it? It cuz he's too polite to tell you that you look ridiculous. I'm not.

During the entire month of April, I am blogging for RAINN (Rape And Incest National Network) in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.
At least once a week all month long I’ll be blogging about sex and sexual violence as part of a contest through the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign.
While reading these posts, you should think about donating to RAINN so they can do what they need to do to keep more women from falling prey to sexual violence. When you donate, if you could mention "GBBMC:08" and “captain_snarky" in the "In Honour Of" box, it will allow them to track my posts and the donations that those posts generate. If you want to donate but think I'm an obnoxious cow who shouldn't be allowed to win prizes, fuck you, but thanks for donating and feel free not to mention me if it offends you.