Ok here goes. Read no further if you are sensitive to the topic or didn't ever want to know this much about me. Seriously.


When I was 14 years old I attended my first party. Fed the folks the old line about spending the night at a friend's house. I had never had more than a few sips of alcohol, never kissed a boy, nothing. Hell, boys didn't ever look at me period. At this point, I was probably the most naive person in the entire universe.
I went with two girlfriends of mine who were much more worldly when it came to such things. The party was filled with older people. Nobody younger than a senior in high school but most everybody college age.

I got separated from them fairly quickly, as they knew people there and I didn't. And they were much more outgoing than I was. I was shy as hell. Ah, but that great conversation starter booze was applied and soon I got into the groove of things.
I was having a grand old time. Sitting on a couch getting shitfaced with a bunch of strangers was awesome. As the night wore on I found myself in conversation with a boy. He was at least 18, maybe older. I wasn't sure. And of course because the alcohol made me brilliant I was convinced we were fast becoming soul mates or some such ridiculous thing. Before long he asks me if I wanted to find a quieter place to talk, as the party still raging around us was quite loud. Seemed like a reasonable suggestion.

We went and found an empty room. A young boy's bedroom it was. The sheets on the bed were flannel and everything was blue and grey. I really remember the flannel sheets and the fish tank. The fish were Black Mollys. I had some just like them at home. I don't know why I remember that.
I just knew he was going to kiss me. I knew it. We were alone, what else was he going to do? I understood the mechanics of making out, even if I'd never actually done it. I just couldn't believe anyone wanted to make out with me. Man that was cool. Everything rocked. I was drunk, alone in a room with a cute boy who wanted to make out with me. Hell yeah.
And he did start kissing me. But it wasn't like I thought it would be. His teeth kept hitting mine and I'd never had anyones tongue in my mouth but my own. It was nasty and he was being really rough. He tasted like beer.
I pushed him off and got up from the bed cuz I was done, gave him some excuse and started to make my way out. He grabbed my arm. I still thought I was in control of the situation. Said 'fuck off', pulled away, yadda yadda. He grabbed me again, harder. I smacked his arm and started to get pissed.

That's when he hit me. Cracked me across the jaw hard enough that I landed on my ass and my vision actually got all blotchy for a second. I'd never been hit before. My mouth tasted like blood and cheap beer. When I got up he hit me again. On the other side this time for good measure I suppose. Between the beer and the two backhands, I was kind of dizzy. My neck really hurt and I couldn't figure out why.
Trying to look nice for the party, I wore a dress. That made the rest easy on him.
Through most of it I still couldn't understand what was happening. It's like my brain just failed to comprehend any of it.
I remember the way he smelled. To this day that cologne makes me sick. I remember that he hadn't shaved in a day or two. I couldn't believe what a sorry excuse for protection clothing was against a determined person.

It was the pain when he stuck his dick in me that snapped me out of it. I was a virgin. I'd only had my period for a year and at this point I'd never even used a tampon.
It hurt like hell. I can't even describe the sensation. But oh lord did it hurt.

He's going at it and this thing is swelling in my gut. I don't have words for it. It was this amalgam of emotions. Like, horror, fear, hate, murder, and the end of everything I ever thought I understood about anything. All at once.
I finally tried to fight him off. My legs were no use, one arm was pinned under me at this weird angle and I couldn't get it out and he had the other one. So I screamed. Shrieked my bloody head off for what felt like ever. This whole thing couldn't have taken more than ten minutes or so but that scream lasted all night.
And I knew I was fucking doomed anyway. The music was loud as hell, everyone was drunk. Nobody was going to hear me.

I shut down then. When I realized no one would come. Don't remember the rest.

What I do remember was the weight of this guy suddenly disappearing. One minute I couldn't breathe he was so heavy (though come to think of it now I was probably hyperventilating) and the next it's gone. There was a seriously loud thud right after, and someone started talking to me. I couldn't understand what the words meant but the voice was female and I could figure out that much. I started screaming again. Crying and puking too. It was charming.
When that stopped I could finally understand her. I remember the first words I made out were, "Hi honey. I'm Charlotte. Can you tell me your name?"

Here's me, sitting mostly naked, bloody and totally hysterical in a puddle of my own puke and there is this beautiful woman smoothing my hair back and trying to get me to focus on her and talking to me in this slow, mellow way like you talk to a panicky animal, and all I could do was start freaking out because I was so scared that he'd get her too. I actually thought that he went and hid when she came in so he could get her too. That he was coming back to do it to both of us. Don't ask me how that worked but that's what I thought. I started hollering, "we have to get out before he comes back!" and thrashing around trying to find something to put on quickly and everything. I was totally out of it.
She chilled me out and said something to someone behind her that I hadn't even seen till she spoke to him. Her boyfriend as it turned out.
What had happened was that she was on her way to the bathroom when she passed the bedroom I was in. She heard me. Wasn't sure what she'd heard for a bit, but decided it was sketchy enough to call Boyfriend over and check it out. The door was locked, he broke it. He broke the guy who had been fucking me by pretty much throwing him into the wall, hence the loud thud. I don't remember your name Boyfriend, but you'll always be the shit in my world.

She took me home with her.
We're still friends to this day.

During the entire month of April, I am blogging for RAINN (Rape And Incest National Network) in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month.
At least once a week all month long I’ll be blogging about sex and sexual violence as part of a contest through the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign.
While reading these posts, you should think about donating to RAINN so they can do what they need to do to keep more women from falling prey to sexual violence. When you donate, if you could mention "GBBMC:08" and “captain_snarky" in the "In Honour Of" box, it will allow them to track my posts and the donations that those posts generate. If you want to donate but think I'm an obnoxious cow who shouldn't be allowed to win prizes, fuck you, but thanks for donating and feel free not to mention me if it offends you.